4 words: hood of his car
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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