I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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