Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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