I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
