It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
no, he came in my armpit
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
