his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize