I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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