You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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