remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
