I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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