You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
