listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
