found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
