His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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