His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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