I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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