I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i want to swaddle you in tequila
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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