No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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