1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
