T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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