just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
