phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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