if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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