He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
