I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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