im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
