I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
FUCK WHALES
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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