just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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