Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
