Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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