Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
