So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
