I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize