I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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