that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
