i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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