apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
