I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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