some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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