i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Randomize