I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
