just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
dude. I can hear the air.
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