Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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