she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize