Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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