you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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