well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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