Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
