I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
