I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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