He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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