He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
