I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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