i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Randomize
