your parents love me but you hate me
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Be still, my beating vagina.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
