He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
