chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
