please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
