when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
