If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
