Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
