Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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