Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
