Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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